The following is adapted from kidcounselor.com. While long, the article provides some very helpful tips and tools for speaking with children of all ages!
When I think about all of the phrases, anecdotes, and sayings about
the power of the spoken word I am reminded of how I changed my way of
communicating with children upon learning Play Therapy principles. I
realize that using Play Therapy based language is a learned and
practiced skill that requires time and effort, so I thought it would be
helpful to share ten commonly used phrases parents say to their kids. I
will also give the Play Therapy based alternative with a short
explanation of why it is more effective.
1. No (running, hitting, yelling, fill in the verb)!
Kids hear the word "no" far too frequently.
You can always rephrase the sentence from a negative to a positive,
which will correct the behavior without sounding critical. Train
yourself to say what you want them to do instead of what you don't. So,
you can say "Walk, please" instead of "No running".
2. Good job!
Train yourself to respond with "You did it!" or "You got it!" or
"You figured it out!". Notice the common element is starting with the
word "you" and then acknowledging what they worked at, rather than what
you think about it.
3. Don't argue with me.
Children are programmed to question, analyze and wonder about
situations. This can sometimes present itself in an argumentative
manner, but this is actually a normal part of development. Instead of
cutting off the conversation, you can say, "I know you want my answer to
be different, but it will not change". You can also train yourself to
make sure the child fully understands your response, with "I just told
you my answer. Do you have a question about it?" This allows the child
to present their opinion or get clarification. Either way, the child is
allowed to express their thoughts or concerns and feel validated without
an argument.
4. Wait until your Dad/Mom/other person finds out about this.
This does two things. First, it creates anxiety and fear in the
child, especially of the person who you are going to tell about whatever
happened. Second, it ignores your responsibility to deal with the issue
at hand and passes it to someone else. By the time a child has gotten
in trouble for something, they already feel guilty, sorry and
embarrassed about it. Threatening to tell someone else rubs salt in the
wound. Choose whether the other person really needs to know about the
issue, and if yes, let the child decide who will tell them. "Do you
choose to tell (Mom) what happened, or choose for me to tell her with
you there to make sure that I explain it correctly?" This gives the
child respect and responsibility for their actions.
5. If you do that one more time...
I can't tell you the number of times I hear that phrase when around
other parents, even though it is highly ineffective. First, you are
threatening a child, which makes them fearful of you. Second, the threat
is usually not something that is feasible to do (we are going home, you
are going straight to bed, you don't get dinner, you are grounded for a
week, etc.) What we say in frustration is not only impractical but
easily forgettable. Then we contradict our credibility. You can train
yourself to be clear and concise, using choices. "If you choose to
(continue that behavior), you choose to (receive whatever consequence
has already been established as a punishment)". You might say, "Erin, if
you choose to poke your sister again, you choose to not watch TV for
the rest of the day". This clearly communicates the expectation and the
consequence, without a threat.
6. You are doing that the wrong way.
Parents tend to want control all of the time, and it takes work to
allow kids to have freedom to do what they choose. Of course, there will
be times when a task must be completed in a certain fashion (homework,
etc.). However, many times we force kids to do something the "right
way", when it could have been done in several ways. If a child is
coloring the grass purple, it is easy to tell them it must be green. A
kid can sit down on a chair facing the back, and we make them turn
around. Train yourself to acknowledge their behavior without a judgment,
such as "You chose to sit the other way on the chair" or "You colored
the grass purple instead". This gives them the freedom to be creative
and discover things without expectations.
7. That is what happens when you...
We often try to teach lesson to kids about life at the most
inappropriate times. If a child gets hurt because they were doing
something dangerous or inappropriate, they already learned their lesson.
It is wasted words to try to express a rule when a child is upset, as
they focus on one thing at a time. Instead, train yourself to say, "You
realized that you jumped off the chair and got hurt when you landed on
the ground", rather than, "See, that is what happens when you jump off
the chair". The former acknowledges that the child already figured out
the problem, but is still comforting.
8. You can't/Don't do that.
When redirecting behavior, it is difficult to know how to phrase
things in the best manner. Telling a child that they can't do something
makes them prove that they can, by telling you or showing you that it is
in fact possible. Telling a kid to not do something makes them want to
argue or rebel. Train yourself to explain the reason behind your
statement. "That is not safe" or "Your skin is not for coloring on" is
specific and helps them learn why things are off limits, rather than
just that they are.
9. We are (whatever the child doesn't want to do at that moment), OKAY?
In an attempt to be kind and loving to children,
parents tend to ask kids for their approval. I understand the rationale
behind it, but I believe it becomes a habit when trying to convince a
child to comply. Parents will often say, "We are leaving the playground
now and we'll come back again, okay?" The reality is that asking your
child if it is okay sets you up for an argument when the child says no.
You already know that he doesn't want to leave, or you wouldn't be
negotiating with him. Train yourself to state things in sentence form,
while acknowledging the child's feelings.
"Kevin, I know you want to stay and play, but it is time to go. We can
come back another day". This helps the child feel understood, but still
communicates that leaving is non-negotiable.
10. You are making me really mad right now.
When I was a child and fought with my younger brother, I would
complain to my mom that he made me mad about something. She would (and
still does) respond with "No one can make you feel anything. You choose
to get mad." At the time, I hated that phrase. However, it is very true.
Parents tend to let their children control their emotions, when it is
the parent who is ultimately responsible for how they feel. It is also
important for kids to understand that they choose what they feel, and
they are not creating emotions in you. Train yourself to say, "I need a
break right now because I am getting upset" or "I am angry right now".
You can communicate your feelings to your children without placing the
burden of cause on them.
Retraining your way of speaking will take time and energy, but can be
done. I would encourage you to do it one step at a time, and feel proud
when you hear yourself respond differently. It will not happen
overnight, as I liken it to learning a new language, but it can happen
with practice!
