Sound familiar? Mornings in Jimmy's home are much like mornings in other homes around the world—hectic, argumentative, and full of hassles. Jimmy has not learned to be responsible because Mom is too busy being responsible for him. It gets worse as the morning continues.
"How should I know where your books are? Where did you leave them? How many times have I told you to put them where they belong? If you don't hurry up and eat, you're just going to have to go to school hungry. You're still not dressed, and the bus will be here in five minutes! I'm not going to take you to school if you're not ready—and I mean it! (While driving Jimmy to school), “Jimmy, when will you ever learn? This is absolutely the last time I'll drive you to school when you miss the bus. You've got to learn to be more responsible!"
What do you think? Is this the last time Jimmy's mother will drive him to school when he misses the bus? No. Jimmy is very intelligent. He knows his mother’s threats are meaningless. He has heard the threats many times and knows his mother will drive him to school when he's late.
Jimmy's mother is right about one thing: Jimmy should learn to be more responsible. But through morning scenes like these, she is teaching him to be less responsible. She is the responsible party when she keeps reminding him of everything he needs to do.
Lecturing, Nagging, Scolding, Threatening
Children do not learn from the lecturing, nagging, scolding, and threatening.
Actually, they do learn from these methods—just not what you hope they will learn. They learn to engage in power-struggles, resistance, rebellion, and revenge cycles. They may learn to comply and become approval junkies—more concerned about pleasing others to feel a sense of belonging and significance than to cooperate out of mutual respect.
It is possible to enjoy hassle free mornings while teaching children self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation, and problem-solving skills—the characteristics of happy, successful people with a healthy sense of self-worth and respect for self and others. What a wonderful gift to give your children while enjoying peaceful mornings. The key is letting go. Many parents are afraid that letting go means abandoning their children or giving in to permissiveness. In Positive Discipline terms, letting go mean allowing children to develop their sense of cooperation and capability. The following lesson card from Positive Discipline gives us some easy steps for letting go.
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